


Selfish, I suppose, not wanting to spend the rest of your life screaming on the inside.

by WhimsicalGypsy



Series: All things Cullrian [4]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Anal Sex, Fluff and Smut, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Love, little angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-14
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-17 10:27:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9319601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhimsicalGypsy/pseuds/WhimsicalGypsy
Summary: Events transpiring at Redcliffe with Halward Pavus, Dorian struggles with his feelings and Cullen helps him through.





	1. Chapter 1

Dorian slammed the door to his chambers, roughly putting his palms on his forehead and yanking his hair till his eyes watered. His father, his fucking father had written to Mother Giselle asking to meet with him without his knowledge, as he'd been ignoring any and all letters from Halward Pavus he had decided to forego writing to Dorian, and chose to involve the Inquisition in their feud.  The Inquisitor came to him straight away, for which he was grateful, he said he'd come with Dorian if he wanted to, or we could ignore it all together. Dorian appreciated being given the choice, the inquisitor was always good to everyone, taking everyone's feelings in to account. They had decided to go to redcliffe, see what the Magisters retainer wanted, and if need be make a big show of leaving. He sighed, body sagging as if the weight of the world was upon him, he perched on the edge of his bed, staring at the floor. He had been avoiding Cullen, he knew that was moronic on his behalf but the mentions of his father stirred up old feelings, old memories, of what a disappointment he was to his family for preferring men.  
He had been in Fereldon long enough to know things were very different here, no body cared for your sexual preferences, it just wasn't an issue. He knew that the Inquisition stood for everyone, for all sorts of people with all sorts of preferences from all walks of life, and he loved that. Loved that nothing seemed to phase these rugged, rough, kind hearted people. He had had a lengthy conversation with Krem about it, being from Tevinter himself, having been born a woman but living as a man, Dorian thought he was incredibly brave. Dorian of course hadn't declared from the battlements that he prefers cock, hadn't told anyone actually not with words, but he thought his mannerisms gave him away. He and Cullen were the worst kept secret in Skyhold, by Dorians request. While he understood the majority of people wouldn't care that they were a couple, he had difficulty accepting it. His instinct was to hide, as in Tevinter, to keep such sordid things behind locked doors and shuttered windows. Cullen professed that he would do whatever made Dorian most comfortable, but he wanted him to know that he was unashamed of him, which warmed Dorians slightly fractured heart. Cullen himself having had no preference at all it seemed before becoming involved with Dorian, Dorian insisted Cullen must have always liked men, even if he hadn't noticed, Cullen would just shrug and say his only preference was Dorian, which again would spread warmth through his chest. Dorian smiled, a rush of affection for the blonde man who had been nothing but wonderful to him, he picked himself up with the intent of finding the Commander and telling him what a fool he'd been these last few days pushing him away, he'd explain everything, he would lay himself bare and give his heart to the only man he'd ever truly cared for - dare he say loved? Until the Inquisitor knocked on his door and opened it slightly, poking his head into the room,  
"Ready to go?" Dorian stows his proclamations of love away till later, grabbing his staff and heading to the door.  
"Of course" he couldn't still the butterflies in his belly. 

Cullen was taking a break from the mountain of paperwork on his desk, he was on his second lap of the battlements when he saw the Inquisitor, Dorian and Varric saddling horses, confused, he jogged down the stair case leading to the stables  
"I didn't think you were running any missions today Inquisitor? With all the preparations for Halamshiral going on" Though addressing Trevelyan, Cullens eyes were mostly on Dorian, who pointedly refused to look at him.  
"Err yes well something came up, nothing major we'll only be a few days at most, Commander" Sensing the tension between the mage and the former Templar, the Inquisitor decided Varric needed help with his horse, thus leaving them with relative privacy.  
"Dori?" Cullen used his endearing nickname like a question. He could see Dorians throat work, unspent tears gathering in the corners of his eyes, he wanted nothing more than to cradle the man and make him feel loved, whisper words of adoration in his ear, to kiss all his hurts away. Instead, he put a gently hand on the mages upper arm and lightly squeezed, eyes full of concern. Dorian froze under his touch, a small sob escaping him  
"This is just something I need to do, I will tell you, I'll tell everything I just-" The lump in Dorians throat was so painful, he couldn't speak.  
"Okay, it's okay" Cullen murmurs comfortingly, while slightly rubbing Dorians arm. Blinking furiously Dorian coughed, checked the horses saddle and mounted, finally, he looked at the Commander, he couldn't stand to see the confusion, the hurt, the worry there.  
"Be safe" Cullen whispers, and watches as the trio trot out of Skyhold.

Dorian was ready to gallop off the edge of the world, that moment in the stables was too much, he was too close to spilling everything to Cullen, telling how much he meant to him, how he thinks of him almost constantly, how he physically needs to be near him, he hated how pathetic he was. Scowling, he made for terrible company on the ride to the hinterlands.  
"You know Sparkler, Curlys a good guy, there's no shame in what you guys have" Varric pulled his horse in to Dorians left.  
"He's right Dorian, you should just tell him how you feel, it's obvious he loves you to." Trevelyan pulled in to his right, what was this an intervention?  
"I don't know what you mean" Dorian feigned ignorance.  
"Ha ha please, it's obvious to anyone with eyes you two are crazy for each other, Trevelyan grinned. Dorian spurred his horse on to run faster, to pull out of this weird conversation triangle, didn't they understand he didn't want to talk about it? He knows Cullen is good, too good for Dorian, he also knows he should tell him how he feels, but he's not that brave. They make it to the outskirts camp in good time, they eat chicken and vegetables over the fire, thankfully, neither Varric or the Inquisitor have mentioned Cullen again.  
"So, what are we doing here?" Varric asks, glancing between The Herald and the mage. Dorian, dumbstruck, turns to Trevelyan,  
"You haven't told him?"  
"It's not my business to tell, but Varrics always given me good counsel I thought he could do the same for you, so I asked him to come along" He responds honestly, Dorian is struck once again by the kindness and consideration of their leader. He turns to Varric and explains slowly, as though tasting the words.  
"We're going to redcliffe, to meet a retainer of my fathers, apparently he wishes to make contact" Scowling, deciding the words are sour.  
"And I'm guessing you don't get along?"  
Dorian barks a laugh "What gave that away?"  
"Definitely not the look of bitter resentment on your face" Varric says lightly, Trevelyan chuckles and Dorian can't help but grin. Dorian sighs,  
"I was - am - a disappointment to him, he.. what he did, I can't forgive" Dorian stares at the flames.  
"It might be that he wishes to reconcile with you" The Inquisitor remarks, while removing his boots.  
"I highly doubt it"  
"At any rate, we'll arrive at redcliffe tomorrow and find out. If you feel the need to leave signal me and I'll distract your father with some elaborate bird calls" Trevelyan responds, they all laugh and one by one, turn in for the night  
It's almost noon the next day when the enter redcliffe village, they ride up to the meeting point, dismount, then await Dorians lead,  
"I meant what I said, bird calls" The Herald says in all seriousness, Dorian smiles, knowing he is safe with friends, they enter.


	2. Chapter 2

Cullen is pacing, Dorian was driving him insane and he wasn't even here. He doesn't know what's been troubling the man, he doesn't know how to make it better. A runner hands him a small, hastily written note.

My Dearest Cullen,

We're on our way back to Skyhold. I'm sorry for being an arse before I left, I've had a lot on my mind, and I meant what I said I will tell you all about it. I'm so sorry, I care for you so much, at times it scares me. I cannot wait to see you again, I've missed you so.

Forever yours, Dorian.

Cullen can't stop the smile spreading over his face, he re-reads it over and over, picking out his favourite bits. I care for you so much. I've missed you. Forever yours. Cullen folds the note and gently places it in his top draw, thinking he'll keep it until it disintegrates. Dorians return would be very soon, in the time it took for that letter to get here, they'll probably reach Skyhold tonight, maybe tomorrow morning. Excited, he decides to surprise the mage, he all but runs to the kitchen, sweet talking the cook into giving him a basket of fruit and 2 bottles of red wine. Hefting those under one arm he walks through the gardens, plucking a variety of flowers as he goes, making sure not to take too many from one plant, and to not damage the stems, so more can grow. He enters the main hall and winds his way up to Dorians chambers, when he almost crashes into Cole, sitting cross legged, in front of his bedroom door.  
"Err, excuse me Cole, I just want to- Dorian isn't here if you're looking for him" Cullen bends around the odd boy to open the door, he walks in and is surprised when the boy follows.  
"I know, I was waiting for you" Cullen doesn't say anything, mouthing agape like a fool, he hadn't had much contact with the spirit, demon, thing. He still didn't entirely trust him, though he knew Dorian had a soft spot for him, and insisted Cullen refer to him as a person.   
"Oh, okay, how did you-?"   
"I picked these for you, for him, they're his favourite" Cole offers Cullen a wicker basket full of wild violets. Tiny little flowers, no bigger than his thumbnail, with 4 or 5 deep purple petals and a proud yellow centre. Overwhelmed by Coles thoughtfulness, he's not even sure what to say in the face of it.  
"They don't grow here, they prefer the warmth. They grow plentiful in Tevinter, but they are seen as weeds, dug up and thrown away which makes them sad" Cole explains, stroking the petals. Ah, so that's why Dorian likes them. Of course his favourite flower would be a miniscule thing most people would overlook, and those who don't, declare them unworthy of being called a flower, and destroy them.  
"That's very kind of you Cole, thank you" and Cullen means it, from the bottom of his heart, the boy might be strange but his heart is pure. Cole nods placing the basket on Dorians bed, he turns to leave as Cullen sets the food and wine down, placing his own flowers in a glass vase on Dorians bedside table, as he goes to get some water for them Cole, his hand on the doorknob, says in only the way Cole does,  
"The flowers are dead, dying, but they don't mind. They want to help." And with that, he shuts the door behind him. Cullen, holding a mug of water looks at the basket of dead-and-dying flowers, thinking he may never be able to pick flowers again.


	3. Chapter 3

Dorian was anxious to be back at Skyhold, Varric suggested writing to Cullen ahead of time, Dorian thought it pointless as they wouldn't be very long returning, he'd arrive just after his letter if not before, but under his and the Heralds gentle badgering he relented, and wrote him a short note. He fretted over what to say, he didn't want to go into details on paper, but he wanted Cullen to know Dorian was okay, or would be once he saw him again. He worried that he'd over done it by saying that he'd missed him and signing it 'forever yours' but before he could change his mind the Inquisitor handed it to their fastest runner.  
"No going back now" He grinned. Their horses trotted up the hill as Skyhold came in to full view, the horn blew, signalling to the occupants the party's return, Dorians heart flipped.

Cullens heart flipped, he heard the horn blow and he fought himself to stay put, to not rush out and greet them. He worried what Dorian might think of his absence at the gate, but he wanted to be here when Dorian opened the door, he wanted it to be perfect, he pulled the curtains, lit the candles, and waited.

Dorians heart sank as they rode through the gates, Cullen wasn't to be seen, he had got Dorians letter and he had rejected him. Dorian had said too much in too few words, it took everything he had not to turn tail and run. Varric and Trevelyan shared a worried look, noticing the Commanders absence, just then Cole came over to greet them, he handed a nug to the Inquisitor, who was baffled, and turned to Dorian,  
"Commander Cullen is waiting for you in your room, he wanted to be here but he also wants to be their, and he can't be in both" Dorian frowns, hopes raising,  
"My room? Are you sure?" Cole nods, then takes the reigns of Dorians horse as he dismount  
"Go to him" and Dorian does. He doesn't see anyone else, they are just a blur, he scarcely notices his surroundings as he walks briskly to his quarters, the Commander, in his room, waiting for him. Dorian can barely breathe. He reaches the door and pauses with him hand on the handle, doubts claw at him, what if this is a rejection? What if he wanted to speak to him to let him down in private? What if Cullen has realised, as his father had all those years ago, that Dorian isn't good enough? He takes a deep breathe in, closes his eyes, turns the handle and Crosses the threshold. Dorian opens his eyes and freezes, thinking that somewhere between the few feet he's crossed from being outside the room to inside, he must have died. For if there is a heaven, this was surely it. Cullen, standing now, barefoot, wearing breeches that hug his legs and a loose fitting white shirt, hair a tousled mess as ever, a tentative smile on his face.  
"Sweet Maker have I broken you?" His scarred lip smiles in amusement as he crosses the room to shut the door behind Dorian, who still hasn't moved. Cullen, now behind him, slowly presses his body to Dorians, his chest on the mages back, he undoes Dorians travelling cloak. This breaks something in Dorians mind and he finds himself able to form words  
"You.. you're wearing normal clothes" Dorian closes his eyes as he hears, and feels, Cullens laugh rumble through him.  
"Yes well you're always complaining, I thought it would make a nice change. I'm also not wearing shoes" Cullen sticks his foot out for Dorian to see, toes wiggling.  
"Yes, I noticed" Cullen succeeds in taking two layers of clothing from Dorians torso, leaving him in his undershirt, which he untucks from his waistband and runs his hands along the skin of his stomach, arms encircling him. Dorian melts at the touch, a small sigh escaping him.  
"Did you notice anything else?" He murmurs into the shell of Dorians ear. Dorian was having a hard time using his brain right now, he can feel Cullens strong body pressed against him, his hands running over his skin his whispers echo in his ears it leaves him dizzy.  
"Wha?" Cullen chuckles, extracting himself from Dorian  
"So eloquent, look around you Dori"  
Dorian does, and he's surprised he didn't notice it first. Cullen has lit candles, everywhere, lining the room, on every cabinet, there's a vase of flowers on his bedside table that look handpicked, a platter of fruit on the table opposite his bed along with wine and glasses.  
"You did all of this.. For me?" Dorian gasps, trying to hold back tears, Cullen nods, sliding his hand into Dorians  
"For you. Always, forever if you'll have me" Cullen smiles and Dorian falls apart, he sobs and presses a rough kiss to Cullens lips, he doesn't deserve this, all this sweetness it too much. Cullen pulls away and rubs circles with his thumb on Dorians hip.  
"Tempting as you are, I thought we could talk first?" Gesturing at the table, his nerves returning, Dorian nods and takes a seat, Cullen shuffles his chair closer, they're sitting the same side of the table but facing one another, close enough that there knees and touching. Cullen places a hand on Dorians thigh,  
"So tell me" and Dorian does. Tells him everything, tells him about his childhood, about the impossible standards he was supposed to live up to, tells him about the first time he liked a boy, about the beating that happened after he told his father, tells him about the first time he used magic, how proud that made Halward and how that pride made Dorian sick, about how he had disgusting trysts with disgusting men to try and put himself off, about how rumour had spread and he found himself more than once in dangerous situations he narrowly escaped, about how his father had tried to change his nature, about when he realised he wasn't worth anything to anyone, about when he went to study with Alexius, how he felt loved and important only to realise he was being used, about how he felt joining the Inquisition, being ostracised for who he was and where he came from, about being accepted by a few, and how that meant the world to him, about how he realised he liked the Commander, and how he tried to ignore it, about how he felt when Cullen told him he wanted a relationship, not just one night, about falling helplessly for Cullen and how terrified that makes him.


	4. Chapter 4

By the time Dorian was finished the sun had set the candles had burnt low and Dorian had cried more than he ever had in his life, he felt that Cullen had destroyed the walls he had carefully constructed around his heart, and now he was feeling years upon years of pent up and repressed emotion. Cullen had cried to, and raged, but stayed silent, knowing if he'd have interrupted Dorian would never again be this vulnerable. He held the mage, better understanding why he acted the way he did, thinking that he may have to travel to Tevinter to duel his father.   
"Here" Cullen hands Dorian a glass of wine, he drinks it, staining his lips red and suddenly Cullen is kissing him. Cullen needs him to know he loves him, needs to show him, he wills himself to slow down, deepening the kiss, tasting Dorians mouth. Dorian drops the glass and holds onto Cullen as though he might drown if he doesn't, as if Cullen is the only reason he is grounded to the earth, and without him, he would just float away. Cullens strong arms lift Dorian from his seat and, maintaining the kiss, he walks them over to the bed. Dorian pushes his legs down, standing, he yanks his shirt off and makes short work of his breeches, he's unclothed and crawling on the bed before Cullen even has his shirt off, Dorian is on his hands and knees, giving Cullen a full view, he pushes his face into the pillow then pulls back, surprised, he lifts his hand, it's covered in flowers.  
"Violets" He says dumbly, how could Cullen have known? Cullen crawls up behind Dorian and flips him, so he's now on his back, his front covered in tiny purple flowers  
"Violets" He repeats, showing Cullen his covered hand, Cullen kisses it, looking down at his beautiful lover, covered in flowers.   
"Watch as I love you, in ways you've never known" Fresh tears prick Dorians eyes at these words. His arms encircle Cullens neck, hands in his hair, filling the blonde locks with flowers as he kisses him. Cullen moans and moves away to remove his breeches, he slicks a fingers and begins opening Dorian, kissing him slowly, savouring him.   
Dorian sobs into the kiss, he needs more, needs it to hurt, needs to be fucked he knows how to do that, this, this is too much.   
"You deserve this joy" Cullen whispers as he sinks into him, slowly, gently, his cock stretches Dorian deliciously and Dorians heart sings. He wraps his legs around Cullens waist his hands still in Cullens hair he knows this is too intimate but he no longer cares, he loves him, loves this beautiful strong man thrusting into him and Dorian will give him everything. Cullen rocks his hips slowly, in no hurry, revelling in the feel of his cock sliding wetly in and out of Dorians hole. He goes slower still, his hands holding his weight either side of Dorians face, they're no longer kissing, but watching each other in rapture. Cullen pulls out entirely just to thrust back in slowly, deeply, grazing Dorians prostate. His speed stays the same, and he continues to pull entirely out of Dorians body before pressing back in, Dorians cock is leaking profusely over his stomach, both panting they share the same breath, Dorian is dimly aware they're making love, that's what this is, this isn't a fuck or even sex, it's love, the purest act. They stare at each other in adoration, Cullens thrust come quicker, but still slow, Dorians hands fall away from Cullen landing either side of his head, Cullen takes the mages hands in his, thrusting into his beautiful, wanting body over and over, hitting that spot inside him every time. Dorian watches Cullen make love to him, he feels his release coil tightly within him, his cock almost painful, Cullen hits his prostate again, and again, and Dorian feels himself spiral towards his end.   
Cullen watches as Dorians eyes roll, his hands clench Cullens and his muscles tighten around him, Cullen doesn't move faster, keeps the same gentle, sensual pace as he feels himself approach release.   
"I love you" Cullen husks, Dorian gasps, eyes flying open   
"Say it again"  
"I love you" punctuated with a thrust sparking his prostate.  
"Cullen-"  
"I love you" Thrust.  
"I love you" Thrust. Cullen can't last much longer, his toes curl. Dorian sheds fresh tears.  
"I love you" Thrust. And with that Dorian is coming, hard and long thick ropes of semen coat his abdomen and he sees stars. His body, twitching in the aftershocks sends Cullen off the edge. He moans as he spills himself into Dorian.   
Dorian feels Cullens hot seed inside him and whispers,  
"I love you, too"    
And the look at each other, in the hazy after glow of love making, naked, sweat sheened, and covered in tiny purple petals, they laugh.

**Author's Note:**

> Won't put in the meeting at redcliffe, you know how it goes! :)


End file.
